


The Crowning Glories of Jane Austen

by FantasticalNonsense



Series: Crackity-Crack Scripts [2]
Category: AUSTEN Jane - Works, Emma Approved, Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: Another example of the crazy that goes on in my head, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, F/M, Gen, I'm so sorry fandom, Screenplay/Script Format, Song Lyrics, Song Parody, Song: Your Crowning Glory, The Princess Diaries 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-10
Updated: 2014-02-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 20:00:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1177315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FantasticalNonsense/pseuds/FantasticalNonsense
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane Austen pays homage to her girls the only way one can in the 21st century-through karaoke!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Crowning Glories of Jane Austen

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I am still aboard the crack train! And no, this wasn't inspired by Tumblr-this actually came to me when I was in the shower. Strangely enough, I get a lot of my ideas there. 
> 
> I promise I have better stuff coming along, it's just that I've been busy with college, and school, and tests, and weird ideas like this one that won't leave my brain until I've written them down. So, just bear with me a little longer, okay?
> 
> And one more thing: the end note is not to be taken seriously. This is all for the sake of stupid comedy. 
> 
> Inspired by "Your Crowning Glory" from The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement. Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9An1jqHT6k
> 
> Disclaimer: The Princess Diaries belong to Disney. Jane Austen is public domain.

_**It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a beloved literary heroine who has been married six times* to her true love, must have her creator present for such festivities. So when the current incarnation of Miss Elizabeth Bennet asked for Miss Jane Austen to attend her engagement party, she readily accepted the invitation. However, things did not go quite as they had in previous years….** _

* * *

 

**Scene - the foyer of the Darcys’ home in San Francisco, California. Somewhere in 2015.**

 

[Fade in]

 

[The scene opens upon a great room littered with balloons, gift wrappings and empty champagne bottles. Marianne Dashwood is standing on a makeshift stage finishing up a round of karaoke while the other Austen Heroines look on. Jane Austen sits primly in her chair with a cup of tea and an amused look on her face]

 

[Final chords of “Somebody to Love” by Queen]

 

 **Marianne** : “Can anybody find meeeeee….Somebody tooooo….loooooovvve!”

 

[The girls applaud Marianne’s performance]

 

 **Marianne** : Thank you, thank you! (bows)

 

[Marianne leaves the “stage” and  sits down beside her sister Ellie Dashwood. Lizzie Bennet gets up and takes her place]

 

 **Lizzie** : Ok guys, so before we wrap up the party, I just want to thank you all again for coming out tonight. And for the absolutely *fabulous* wedding gifts. (motions to a table laden with opened presents) William and I appreciate the gesture.

 

[Shouts and whoops are heard, something like “You’re welcome Lizzie!” and “Congrats again!” and “Why the hell do you get the most adaptations!?”-probably Fanny Price]

 

 **Lizzie** : And now, to end our little show, if we all give her a shout-out, Miss Austen will sing us a song.

 

 **Jane Austen** : Thank you, but no.  

 

[Pleading from the girls, “Oh please?” and “Please please please?” and even "Pretty please Janey?"]

 

 **Jane Austen** : Regency-era ladies do not partake in karaoke. Perhaps young women in the 21st century may do so, but for myself…

 

 **Lizzie** : Jane, c’mon, what about the song you sang at our Pride & Prejudice 200th birthday celebration? Everyone loved that.

 

 **Jane Austen** : We had proper music for that occasion. Besides, none of your current incarnations are capable of playing the pianoforte.

 

[Anne Elliot grabs a clear CD case from her bag and holds it up]

 

 **Anne** : I took it upon myself to make a recording so that you could sing along.

 

[Lizzie gets a mischievous twinkle in her eye and motions for the girls to help her out]

 

 **Lizzie** : (clapping) Jane! Jane, Jane, Jane…

 

 **Austen Heroines** : Jane! Jane! Jane! Jane!

 

[Giving in to the demands of her unruly heroines, Jane Austen gives a wave of her hand and sets aside her cup of tea. Anne heads over to the fancy-schmancy sound system and pops in the CD]

 

 **Jane Austen** : “Some girls are fair, some are jolly and fit…”

 

[Soft piano music starts]

 

Some have a well-bred air

or a well-honed wit

 

Each one's a jewel

with a singular shine

a work of art

with it's own rare design

 

[Jane Austen moves about the room as she sings, acknowledging each one of her creations until she’s on stage beside Lizzie]

 

Dear little girls,

you are terribly blessed

But it's your hearts of gold

I love the best

 

And that will be your crowning glory

your whole life through

It'll always be your crowning glory

[with Lizzie] The most glorious part of you

 

[A sudden pop-beat cuts off the piano]

 

[The girls let out another whooping cheer. Jane Austen looks up in fright]

 

 **Jane Austen** : (to Lizzie) What did you do!?

 

 **Lizzie** : Well, I might have tweaked it a *little* on my computer.

 

 **Jane Austen** : (flails arms exasperatedly) But I don’t know how to do this sort of thing!

 

[Lizzie motions over to Emma Woodhouse. Emma runs up on stage and stands on the other side of Jane]

 

 **Emma** : Don’t worry Jane! Just follow us and sing!

 

 **Jane Austen** :

Some men can waltz

 

 **Lizzie** :

Some guys can groove

 

 **Jane Austen** :

Strike an elegant pose

 

 **Emma** :

With the really hip clothes

 

 **Jane Austen** :

Some seem to have no faults

 

 **Lizzie** :

But we never like those

 

 **Jane Austen** :

No we don't

 

 **Emma** :

He'll praise your eyes

 

 **Jane Austen** :

Your melodious laugh [ha ha]

 

 **All Three** :

Call you more lovely than others by half

 

 **Jane Austen** :

The one who's right

 

 **Lizzie** :

My one true love

 

 **Jane Austen** :

Will be honest and true

 

 **Emma** :

He'll believe in me too

 

 **Jane Austen** : (gathering her arms around Lizzie and Emma)

And prize your hearts of gold the way I do

 

 **All Three** :

He'll know that will be your crowning glory your whole life through

Your love will see that it's your crowning glory

The most glorious part of you

 

 **Jane Austen** :

[to Ellie] and you

 

 **Emma** :

[to Fanny] and you

 

 **Jane Austen** :

[to Katie Morland] and you

 

 **Katie** : (put her hand to her chest) Me?

 

[Jane and Emma motion for Katie to come on stage]

 

[Katie eagerly gets up and starts showing off her crazy dance moves. This is accompanied by yet another around of female shouts and cheers and, well, you get the idea]

 

 **Austen Heroines** : Whoo! Go Katie! Go Katie! Go Katie!

 

Everyone: (dancing like nobody’s business)

That will be your crowning glory

Darling when they tell your story

They'll call your heart of gold your crowning glory

The most glorious part of you

 

[Fade out to music]

 

**End**

 

**Author's Note:**

> *"Six Times" refers to the number of P&P adaptations that Miss Austen recognizes: the original novel, the 1940 & 2005 feature films, the 1980 & 1995 miniseries, and the 2004 Bollywood film. The Lizzie Bennet Diaries makes this the seventh time Lizzy has married/hooked up with Mr. Darcy. 
> 
> Miss Austen does not recognize "Bridget Jones' Diary" or "Lost in Austen" as true adaptations of P&P, on accounts that the former was based off of another book that ripped off her idea, and the latter serves as pointless fan-service to Mr. Darcy-obsessed fangirls and destroys her OTP.


End file.
